My first experience that I remember with depression was when I was 10 years old. I was homeschooled that year and I became extremely isolated, in combination with impending puberty, unknown food sensitivities and a genetic predisposition likely spurred the onset. I liked being homeschooled, but I do better on a schedule outside of my home. I also do not consider myself outgoing or extremely social, but a little interaction goes a long way for me. Looking back, it was a perfect storm. It has become a pattern for me over the years.
Stress and exhaustion also play a part in my depression. It’s often a combination of anxiety, depression, exhaustion, physical pain and paranoia. I don’t always see in coming even when I have multiple catalysts happening at the same time. One day I just wake up and realize it has crept in. More accurately, the balance has shifted because it has never completely gone away.
My Worst Depressive Episode
My worst experience with depression was postpartum, just after the birth of my first child in the summer of 2008. The day after having her I remember the feeling of being alone and full of anxiety. By that last night in the hospital I was sobbing in my hospital bed. I could barely keep it together on the ride home and I spent weeks crying in silence with my baby in my arms and apologizing to her for being such a bad Mommy. I wished she would sleep (which she did very little of) so that I could sleep and I wished that I could sleep so maybe I could not wake up. I never wanted to harm anyone, especially my baby, but I just didn’t feel like I could go on the way I felt. How could I be a mother if all I could do was cry?
I learned when I was 10 that my depression often presents itself with sever anxiety and paranoia. At that point, I was afraid that someone was spying on me and my family and that they would break into the house at night. I was so afraid of the evening that I would have to be reading a really engrossing book or watch TV to comfort myself and take my mind off of my fear. During my teen years I slept a lot. It’s a pretty typical response to depression. With Postpartum depression, it’s hard to take your mind off of anything because there isn’t anything but the baby to focus on. My reaction was to avoid going out with her as much as I could and staying with my parents several days a week. At least then, my Mom could help me with the baby and she could be my expert on everything. My Mom was and is a great Mom. I felt my child would benefit from being with her instead of me.
Baby #2
When I had my second child in the Fall of 2009, I knew that PPD was probably going to make an appearance. I spoke with my doctors during my pregnancy and they were supportive. I was sent home from the hospital with a prescription so that I could fill it if I needed to. My husband wanted to fill it that day and he wasn’t wrong. The fears and tears started that very afternoon and began making it feel like I couldn’t eat. I’d look at the food, but I could not stand the idea of eating it. Obviously this was terrible for my milk supply, which was already a stressor.
Baby #3
Pregnancy number 3 was a hard one. I was so heavy and swollen and in pain. There were some ups and downs pertaining to his birth and just after. I began my medication before giving birth, but the waves of hormonal anguish paired with physical pain from tearing during delivery left me reeling.
Baby #4
Funny though, I was great during my final pregnancy! A little emotional, which is normal, but the pregnancy and birth were pretty easy and it felt like I had a handle on everything. It was a blessing but also very weird. I kept waiting for it to creep in and take over. Maybe it helped that I didn’t have to go back to work after I had him. I could spend the day with my babies and love on them and take it easy when I needed to. I put a lot of pressure on myself to get “back to normal” after babies arrive. It is 100% wrong, but it’s an obsession. Being home a having a new normal let me ease into it without pressuring myself.
What I’ve Learned
As time has gone on, I have learned so much about mental health, diagnoses, treatments and symptoms. And like I have said before, where things used to hold me back, I explore the possibilities now. My spiritual journey has melded with my mental health journey.
But I do not want to misrepresent my truth. I still suffer quite a bit with Depression and Anxiety. I’ve had a full evaluation done my a phenomenal doctor and I was confirmed in my suspicions that I also have ADHD. In conjunction, I’ve also come to realize OCD and SPD are part of my life. It’s a lot. However, naming the things that are ”wrong” with me has given me power over them. It may not be everyone’s experience, but knowing what they are and researching how to handle them make me feel like I’m in charge, not the monsters. It makes my life and all my experiences that made me feel weird make sense.
I’m not a doctor or therapist, but I have a lot of firsthand experience.
These are my tips for handling Depression that you can do daily:
Make sure you are sleeping. With children it’s hard, but aim for 6 hours once they sleep through the night and 8 for regular life.
Eat a healthy, balanced diet. Again, not the easiest, but if your body isn’t getting what it needs, it will struggle more. At the very least, add more veggies in. It’s easier to add than stress over ”dieting” on top of it.
Stay hydrated. Drink at least 64 oz of water each day. I use this water bottle. Drink 2 each day and you know you’re good.
Do not rely on a crutches like food, alcohol, drugs, etc… It’s super easy but makes it worse in the end.
Go outside. try standing barefoot in the grass (this grounds you) and close your eyes while you sun gaze. Not only is vitamin D (one of the most deficient vitamins in people) absorbed through your skin, but sunlight hitting your retina activates photosensitive cells and react directly with the pituitary gland. I’m not an expert, but unless you look directly at the sun (don’t!) or get sun burnt, the sun is sooo beneficial to our entire body.
Take supplements. Talk to your doctor about the dosage, but I personally take 10,000 IU’s of Vitamin D daily for mental health and immune support. My vitamin levels are monitored regularly though blood work. Others to consider are B12 or a B Complex, fish oil, Magnesium and NAC. Some of these can react with antidepressants, so please speak with your doctor before taking them.
Exercise. Vigorous movement is great for us, but even a short walk is good for you in so many ways.
I also recommend taking just a few moments each day to close your eyes and take a deep breath. It can literally be 30 seconds two or three times each day whenever you have a chance. This makes a big difference in stress levels.
How do you cope with your mental health on a daily basis? Please share so others can benefit from your experience!